that was just a test. a stupid f***ing test to see whether you still care or not. it seems that you DON'T. okay, let's just forget about me? what am i? a dummy or what? i still have feelings you moron. don't even put aside whatever for me. don't remember me. AT ALL. let's just pretend like nothing happened. to lose a friend, is the worst thing to ever happen, you do know that, don't you? don't f***ing act like you are not guilty. hey human, be realistic. i want an answer. a solid answer why. i am going to confront you, what the hell is wrong with you. can't you get tired of a friend? if you can, don't call her a friend. i never get tired with Azura, of course. she's the best. my friends are the best. you? you just a lame excuse to fill my days. is that what you wanna be? go ahead, walk your head high and TRIP. DON'T COME TO ME IF YOU GET YOUR KNEES CUT (even though i know eventually i will help). oh, is that the best answer you can come out? just ONE stupid reason? you're going down, F***ER.
BYE? fine, GOODBYE.
i am diyana hawa :)
i live and i love :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
A World To Believe In
“Friends grow separately, but they never grow apart”
I couldn’t recall much of what had happened when I was a little kid. All I could remember was, I had a best friend; he was a kid I met at the kindergarten I attended. We were inseparable but since I moved to New York, we never see each other again.
I was beginning to forget him spasmodically as I grew up. I have made lots and lots of new friends, and experienced new things that it had never crossed my mind I would meet him again.
Seasons came and left, and it was the 15th spring I had experienced since I moved to New York. Scent of roses, marigolds and pansies filled the air. The morning dawned bright and gay. It was as if a promise of wonderful happening. The perfumed air, and warm sunlight made me feel as if I were walking on air. Above me, milk-white, tiny clouds looked like little puffs of whip cream dripped over a frosting of deep blue sky. I sat on one of the wooden benches, when a familiar, hoarse voice blew my thoughts away.
“Must be thinking about the past, huh?” I looked up. My breath caught me up. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude,” he said, laughing. “Um, it’s not an intrusion, I was just… just startled,” I sputtered. It was him. Really, it was him! He seemed so different to me, so calm and so much stronger. I had always felt so much like his sister. Now his quiet maturity made me feel even more distant. Without realizing, I was beaming from ear to ear.
It was like fate had brought us back and put everything in its perfect order. We went to have some drinks and we talked and talked until we were dropped dead tried. Seeing him again after almost 15 years, it was obvious I could hardly able to contain my excitement. He told me about his objective coming here. He was attending one of the famous law schools in New York City and wanted to find me here. Which meant only one thing, he was near to where I was attending and we would spend years together again like old times.
I was becoming a professional pianist in Bernhardt School of Performing Arts – fulfilling my most treasured dream. Since he had arrived in New York, we had spent so much time together that we didn’t realize that time had flown so fast. On my 21st birthday, he suggested we celebrate it together. I decided to dress to the nines. So, I wore a floating chiffon baby blue dress, and on my feet were silver pump shoes. I brushed my hair long and hard till it shone and put on tiny pearl earrings.
He brought me to a famous restaurant – Antonio’s on York and Twenty-eight. Although the dinners cost as much as a week’s food bill, he was still persistent on spending it for my birthday. The restaurant was as fancy as it looked and the food was as extraordinary as the price. When it came to the dessert, he gave me a silver wrapped box tied with blue ribbons. When I unwrapped, my heart skipped a beat. It was a music box! And to my surprise, the music played in it was a song that I composed, entitled “A World To Believe In”. Boy, I was thrilled to bits. Days ahead couldn’t be more exciting when I was to spend my whole summer with him and my other friends too. Truth to be told, I wouldn’t ask more than spending my holidays with my best friend. We were so close that our bond was unbreakable.
My holidays were spent on beneficial activities. Everyday I woke up with a spirit and energy that I myself never expected it. It was like we were brought back to the past – little kids jumping in joy, smiling vibrantly, faces gleamed as bright as the sun, and our eyes full of excitement. There was certainly a lot of difference in both of us physically and mentally compared to 15 years ago, but nothing was on our way in being fresh and energetic like never before.
Everyday went beautifully and full of joy, until one day; all of a sudden it was like he disappeared. For more than a week he didn’t return my calls, or replied my text messages, I was going insane. He even had his phone switched off, which is so unusual. I began to feel uneasy and worried. I was pacing back and forth in my apartment, wishing he would be standing and knocking at my door and telling me everything was fine. But the clock kept ticking and not even the slightest thing had differed. The first thing in the morning on the following day, I got a call from him, asking whether I could meet him at the park. Of course, I agreed without any restraint or hesitant.
I saw him sitting on the bench wearing a white Polo t-shirt and a pair of soft-grey slacks. It was his usual attire but I thought he looked handsome as simple as that. I went to sit beside him. Oh, god knew how I tried to keep the tears from breaking free of my lids. He stared at my face so intently; my heart began to beat wildly. Keeping to myself, I wondered “What actually happened?”. I wanted so badly to ask him but I mustered all my patience and waited for him to say something. I found myself looking at him and unable to pull my gaze away. Then that moment passed and he looked up at the blue sky. I wanted him to say something, I wanted to shake the words out of him, and I wanted him to know that I was there for him, but I did want to give him some space to breathe.
For almost 20 minutes both of us didn’t utter a single word. But it was like could hear the unspoken misery that was running in his mind. He got up from the bench and walked slowly towards the lake. I trailed behind him wondering, and growing more tensed. Then he looked at me with those beady eyes and took a deep breath, his broad shoulders rising and falling, “There’s something important I need to tell you,” “Go on, I am listening,” I said as I was dying of curiosity. “Every second I spent with you, never did I regret or hate. Thank you for being supportive in all my decisions, giving me advices, for all the times you stood by me, for all the awesome memories held in time, for all the courage that brought me here, today. How I want you to know that your presence has brought me into the world of happiness and joy. Just so you know, life is meaningless without a friend like you, “he smiled and that was the sweetest smile I had encountered in my whole life. “Thank you for being truthful and honest, but why all of a sudden?” the lingering question kept my mind working. “I just thought you should be given some appreciation and you deserve to be praised,” he complimented. I giggled but did he know that I knew, behind those hazel-brown eyes, there was something else that he tried to hide, something bothering and worrying. I was not going to spoil the precious moment, so I didn’t ask a lot.
We both didn’t bring up the matter after the incident at the park. I just thought that if he was ready to tell me, than only I would ask. Let bygones be bygones. Soon, he graduated and was awarded as the Best Student of that particular year. To celebrate his wonderful success, I threw a small party and invited our close friends to attend that evening feast. Just a day before the celebration, I had given him a list of groceries to buy for the dinner I was going to prepare. When I got back from my piano lesson, he had everything spread out over the kitchen table. “It’s all here,” he said, gesturing at the cans and boxes, the turkey and produce. “Just as you requested,” he said proudly. “Great. I’m going to make apple and pumpkin pies for the appetizer,” I explained and took off my white winter coat quickly and began to put on the apron. After mixing the batter and putting it inside the oven, I prepared a turkey stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, fresh peas, a homemade bread, cranberry sauce as well as some caramel ice-cream. The guests had arrived just in time when everything had been done.
He was busy greeting and talking to our friends when I heard his phone ringed. I thought of giving it to him, but he was surrounded with the guests and looking at him laughing and appeased, I decided to answer the phone for him.
“Hello, this is from New York Hospital, we would like to check whether you have taken your medicine regularly,” a soft voice on the other side of the phone.
“New York Hospital? Check? Medicine?” I asked sharply. My eyes narrowed and my smile evaporated.
“I’m sorry, who is this?” The caller asked politely.
“Umm, will you tell me what exactly is going on??” Ignoring the question, I begged,
demanding for an explanation.
“Well, he was diagnosed with stage four of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. There was nothing can be done, but the medicine supplied was to slow down the multiplication of cell cancer. He requested to not be charged in ward because he said he would like to spend his last days with his best friend, so in exchange he agreed that the hospital would call him every week to check on him,” the voice explained calmly.
Thunderstruck, I felt my legs soften, and I crumbled to the floor, cradling the phone. I began to sob, cried and buried my face in my hands. My tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks and soon I couldn’t see. The world before me was a watery blur. The chattering crowd suddenly became silent, and he raced to help me to my feet. “What’s wrong Diyana, what’s wrong?” he looked at me, and then at the phone screen. “Oh Diyana, don’t tell me that…” he brushed his hands through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why?!” I wailed, wiping at my tears. Without saying anything he helped me to my bed. I wanted to ask tons of questions, but I was too distraught and dizzy, I fell on my bed.
In the morning, I woke up feeling dizzy, tired and confused. Had I dreamt it? The thing that reassured me I wasn’t dreaming when I saw a note on the kitchen table, written by him. He requested to meet him at our usual hang out place, the Lillian’s Luncheonette. I wore my pink sweater and slipped into my casual jeans. I saw him at the corner of the luncheonette. I walked to him, his face looked so glum. He looked up to me, and tried to smile but I know it was made up to ease my mind. I ordered cappuccino with cinnamon while he had caramel coffee with whipped cream.
He broke the silence, “I’m sorry. Sorry for not telling you earlier,” he confessed in a quiet somber tone. For the longest time, I didn’t say a word. After he straightened out everything, he looked much better. He told me the reason he kept the matter to himself, “I didn’t want you to worry about me, and honestly I want to live on as normal as a person could be. You have the rights to be mad at me, go on, but please, don’t neglect and ignore me. Losing you would be the worst thing that could happen. So I beg you to forgive me and let my last days to be something I won’t regret,” he said, his eyes watering, begging me to understand. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. My heart softened and I said, “How can I be mad at you when the best part of me is always you? You don’t have to say you’re sorry for there was no mistake done. I promise you, we will cherish and spend whatever time left for both of us. Let’s make it worth and walk each day with pride and joy,” I said and he nodded.
Everyday went as thrilling as it could be. It was hard for me though, to see him laughing and smiling as I know I will lose him one day. I prayed days and night that time would slow down and give us more time before he would be gone. We did everything that we wanted to do and sadly, I was the one to witness him weakening from day to day. Sometimes, he couldn’t even get up from his bed but desperation give him needed strength. His will power had given me spark to live my life to the fullest. Just having to look at his face made me feel I was able to do anything. And now, like the rainbow after the rain, like the first rays of sunlight coming through a break in the clouds, he had come to me and brought me into the light.
I stayed by his side, even until the moment where he could not eat on his own and needed the help of someone to get to his feet.
One warm morning, as I was preparing breakfast, I heard him calling for me. I rushed into his room and saw him lying weakly on the bed. It tore my heart to look at him like that. His lips curved into a smile and I asked him what the matter was. At first he just shook his head so I spun around to head back to the kitchen. Before I could take a step further, he grabbed my wrist, “Stay. Don’t go,” he murmured. “I am not going anywhere. I’m just going to bring you breakfast and your medicine here, okay? So you can be strong and healthy,” I said calmly, swallowing my tears down my throat. He let go off my wrist and I got back to whatever I was doing.
A few minutes later, I returned back to his room with a tray of hot cereal and his medicine. It seemed that he had fallen asleep. I woke him up. I guessed he had fallen into deep sleep. I shook him gently. No response. When I searched for his pulse, then I realized he was gone. Gone. Forever. The moment when I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, I felt numb. My world came crashing down and broke into pieces. I had lost my best friend who had taught me what life means.
Two years have gone by since I decided to leave New York. I decided it was the best time to go back there after years and years of finding a closure. As the plane descended through the billowing clouds, New York suddenly appeared below me. New York! A city that held my memories treasured. I gazed through the window and held my breath, asking myself whether or not I’m prepared to face the wave. Ahead of me the sky looked blue. It was as if it was told that I was coming. Looking at the bright, warm day, I had forgotten how much I loved the sight of green and the smell of fresh grass. It filled me with renewed hope and renewed determination. It had all happened so fast – my discovering the truth about his disease and facing the death of my dearest friend and regaining my strength to live on. The picturesque scenery took me back into the memories. The memories that felt as fresh as yesterday.
“Never give up on your faith, never look back to what has happened, for life is an experiment and live today like it’s your last day on earth,” I recalled him saying with a wisdom that surprised me. “Because part of life is learning, part of learning is loving and part of loving is letting go,” he said, a smile forming around his lips, but his eyes remaining sad.
I walked slowly to the park we used to spend out time together. It seemed to me I could hear his voice somewhere. I began to sing the song I composed softly.
I’ve seen the tears and the heartache, and I felt the pain
I’ve seen the hatred in so many lives, and lost in vain
And yet through this darkness there’s always a light that shines through
And takes me back home
Takes me back home
You gave me faith and you gave me a world to believe in
You gave me a love to believe in
And feeling this love I can rise up above
And be strong and be whole once again
I know that dreams we hold on to, can just fade away
And I know that words can be wasted with so much to say
And I when I feel helpless there’s always a hope that shines through
And makes me believe
Makes me believe
Life goes on
Can leave us with sorrow and pain
And I hold on
To all that you are
To all that we’ll be
And I can go on once again
Cause your love heals my soul once again
I can live and I can dream once again
Cause you made me believe.
Our friendship bond was so sturdy, so strong , I could even feel his presence and I knew right away that he was with me all along because ‘Friends grow separately, but they never grow apart’.
Intrigued by what he said, I will never ever forget him, my dearest best friend – Adam Andrews.
I couldn’t recall much of what had happened when I was a little kid. All I could remember was, I had a best friend; he was a kid I met at the kindergarten I attended. We were inseparable but since I moved to New York, we never see each other again.
I was beginning to forget him spasmodically as I grew up. I have made lots and lots of new friends, and experienced new things that it had never crossed my mind I would meet him again.
Seasons came and left, and it was the 15th spring I had experienced since I moved to New York. Scent of roses, marigolds and pansies filled the air. The morning dawned bright and gay. It was as if a promise of wonderful happening. The perfumed air, and warm sunlight made me feel as if I were walking on air. Above me, milk-white, tiny clouds looked like little puffs of whip cream dripped over a frosting of deep blue sky. I sat on one of the wooden benches, when a familiar, hoarse voice blew my thoughts away.
“Must be thinking about the past, huh?” I looked up. My breath caught me up. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude,” he said, laughing. “Um, it’s not an intrusion, I was just… just startled,” I sputtered. It was him. Really, it was him! He seemed so different to me, so calm and so much stronger. I had always felt so much like his sister. Now his quiet maturity made me feel even more distant. Without realizing, I was beaming from ear to ear.
It was like fate had brought us back and put everything in its perfect order. We went to have some drinks and we talked and talked until we were dropped dead tried. Seeing him again after almost 15 years, it was obvious I could hardly able to contain my excitement. He told me about his objective coming here. He was attending one of the famous law schools in New York City and wanted to find me here. Which meant only one thing, he was near to where I was attending and we would spend years together again like old times.
I was becoming a professional pianist in Bernhardt School of Performing Arts – fulfilling my most treasured dream. Since he had arrived in New York, we had spent so much time together that we didn’t realize that time had flown so fast. On my 21st birthday, he suggested we celebrate it together. I decided to dress to the nines. So, I wore a floating chiffon baby blue dress, and on my feet were silver pump shoes. I brushed my hair long and hard till it shone and put on tiny pearl earrings.
He brought me to a famous restaurant – Antonio’s on York and Twenty-eight. Although the dinners cost as much as a week’s food bill, he was still persistent on spending it for my birthday. The restaurant was as fancy as it looked and the food was as extraordinary as the price. When it came to the dessert, he gave me a silver wrapped box tied with blue ribbons. When I unwrapped, my heart skipped a beat. It was a music box! And to my surprise, the music played in it was a song that I composed, entitled “A World To Believe In”. Boy, I was thrilled to bits. Days ahead couldn’t be more exciting when I was to spend my whole summer with him and my other friends too. Truth to be told, I wouldn’t ask more than spending my holidays with my best friend. We were so close that our bond was unbreakable.
My holidays were spent on beneficial activities. Everyday I woke up with a spirit and energy that I myself never expected it. It was like we were brought back to the past – little kids jumping in joy, smiling vibrantly, faces gleamed as bright as the sun, and our eyes full of excitement. There was certainly a lot of difference in both of us physically and mentally compared to 15 years ago, but nothing was on our way in being fresh and energetic like never before.
Everyday went beautifully and full of joy, until one day; all of a sudden it was like he disappeared. For more than a week he didn’t return my calls, or replied my text messages, I was going insane. He even had his phone switched off, which is so unusual. I began to feel uneasy and worried. I was pacing back and forth in my apartment, wishing he would be standing and knocking at my door and telling me everything was fine. But the clock kept ticking and not even the slightest thing had differed. The first thing in the morning on the following day, I got a call from him, asking whether I could meet him at the park. Of course, I agreed without any restraint or hesitant.
I saw him sitting on the bench wearing a white Polo t-shirt and a pair of soft-grey slacks. It was his usual attire but I thought he looked handsome as simple as that. I went to sit beside him. Oh, god knew how I tried to keep the tears from breaking free of my lids. He stared at my face so intently; my heart began to beat wildly. Keeping to myself, I wondered “What actually happened?”. I wanted so badly to ask him but I mustered all my patience and waited for him to say something. I found myself looking at him and unable to pull my gaze away. Then that moment passed and he looked up at the blue sky. I wanted him to say something, I wanted to shake the words out of him, and I wanted him to know that I was there for him, but I did want to give him some space to breathe.
For almost 20 minutes both of us didn’t utter a single word. But it was like could hear the unspoken misery that was running in his mind. He got up from the bench and walked slowly towards the lake. I trailed behind him wondering, and growing more tensed. Then he looked at me with those beady eyes and took a deep breath, his broad shoulders rising and falling, “There’s something important I need to tell you,” “Go on, I am listening,” I said as I was dying of curiosity. “Every second I spent with you, never did I regret or hate. Thank you for being supportive in all my decisions, giving me advices, for all the times you stood by me, for all the awesome memories held in time, for all the courage that brought me here, today. How I want you to know that your presence has brought me into the world of happiness and joy. Just so you know, life is meaningless without a friend like you, “he smiled and that was the sweetest smile I had encountered in my whole life. “Thank you for being truthful and honest, but why all of a sudden?” the lingering question kept my mind working. “I just thought you should be given some appreciation and you deserve to be praised,” he complimented. I giggled but did he know that I knew, behind those hazel-brown eyes, there was something else that he tried to hide, something bothering and worrying. I was not going to spoil the precious moment, so I didn’t ask a lot.
We both didn’t bring up the matter after the incident at the park. I just thought that if he was ready to tell me, than only I would ask. Let bygones be bygones. Soon, he graduated and was awarded as the Best Student of that particular year. To celebrate his wonderful success, I threw a small party and invited our close friends to attend that evening feast. Just a day before the celebration, I had given him a list of groceries to buy for the dinner I was going to prepare. When I got back from my piano lesson, he had everything spread out over the kitchen table. “It’s all here,” he said, gesturing at the cans and boxes, the turkey and produce. “Just as you requested,” he said proudly. “Great. I’m going to make apple and pumpkin pies for the appetizer,” I explained and took off my white winter coat quickly and began to put on the apron. After mixing the batter and putting it inside the oven, I prepared a turkey stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, fresh peas, a homemade bread, cranberry sauce as well as some caramel ice-cream. The guests had arrived just in time when everything had been done.
He was busy greeting and talking to our friends when I heard his phone ringed. I thought of giving it to him, but he was surrounded with the guests and looking at him laughing and appeased, I decided to answer the phone for him.
“Hello, this is from New York Hospital, we would like to check whether you have taken your medicine regularly,” a soft voice on the other side of the phone.
“New York Hospital? Check? Medicine?” I asked sharply. My eyes narrowed and my smile evaporated.
“I’m sorry, who is this?” The caller asked politely.
“Umm, will you tell me what exactly is going on??” Ignoring the question, I begged,
demanding for an explanation.
“Well, he was diagnosed with stage four of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. There was nothing can be done, but the medicine supplied was to slow down the multiplication of cell cancer. He requested to not be charged in ward because he said he would like to spend his last days with his best friend, so in exchange he agreed that the hospital would call him every week to check on him,” the voice explained calmly.
Thunderstruck, I felt my legs soften, and I crumbled to the floor, cradling the phone. I began to sob, cried and buried my face in my hands. My tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks and soon I couldn’t see. The world before me was a watery blur. The chattering crowd suddenly became silent, and he raced to help me to my feet. “What’s wrong Diyana, what’s wrong?” he looked at me, and then at the phone screen. “Oh Diyana, don’t tell me that…” he brushed his hands through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why?!” I wailed, wiping at my tears. Without saying anything he helped me to my bed. I wanted to ask tons of questions, but I was too distraught and dizzy, I fell on my bed.
In the morning, I woke up feeling dizzy, tired and confused. Had I dreamt it? The thing that reassured me I wasn’t dreaming when I saw a note on the kitchen table, written by him. He requested to meet him at our usual hang out place, the Lillian’s Luncheonette. I wore my pink sweater and slipped into my casual jeans. I saw him at the corner of the luncheonette. I walked to him, his face looked so glum. He looked up to me, and tried to smile but I know it was made up to ease my mind. I ordered cappuccino with cinnamon while he had caramel coffee with whipped cream.
He broke the silence, “I’m sorry. Sorry for not telling you earlier,” he confessed in a quiet somber tone. For the longest time, I didn’t say a word. After he straightened out everything, he looked much better. He told me the reason he kept the matter to himself, “I didn’t want you to worry about me, and honestly I want to live on as normal as a person could be. You have the rights to be mad at me, go on, but please, don’t neglect and ignore me. Losing you would be the worst thing that could happen. So I beg you to forgive me and let my last days to be something I won’t regret,” he said, his eyes watering, begging me to understand. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. My heart softened and I said, “How can I be mad at you when the best part of me is always you? You don’t have to say you’re sorry for there was no mistake done. I promise you, we will cherish and spend whatever time left for both of us. Let’s make it worth and walk each day with pride and joy,” I said and he nodded.
Everyday went as thrilling as it could be. It was hard for me though, to see him laughing and smiling as I know I will lose him one day. I prayed days and night that time would slow down and give us more time before he would be gone. We did everything that we wanted to do and sadly, I was the one to witness him weakening from day to day. Sometimes, he couldn’t even get up from his bed but desperation give him needed strength. His will power had given me spark to live my life to the fullest. Just having to look at his face made me feel I was able to do anything. And now, like the rainbow after the rain, like the first rays of sunlight coming through a break in the clouds, he had come to me and brought me into the light.
I stayed by his side, even until the moment where he could not eat on his own and needed the help of someone to get to his feet.
One warm morning, as I was preparing breakfast, I heard him calling for me. I rushed into his room and saw him lying weakly on the bed. It tore my heart to look at him like that. His lips curved into a smile and I asked him what the matter was. At first he just shook his head so I spun around to head back to the kitchen. Before I could take a step further, he grabbed my wrist, “Stay. Don’t go,” he murmured. “I am not going anywhere. I’m just going to bring you breakfast and your medicine here, okay? So you can be strong and healthy,” I said calmly, swallowing my tears down my throat. He let go off my wrist and I got back to whatever I was doing.
A few minutes later, I returned back to his room with a tray of hot cereal and his medicine. It seemed that he had fallen asleep. I woke him up. I guessed he had fallen into deep sleep. I shook him gently. No response. When I searched for his pulse, then I realized he was gone. Gone. Forever. The moment when I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, I felt numb. My world came crashing down and broke into pieces. I had lost my best friend who had taught me what life means.
Two years have gone by since I decided to leave New York. I decided it was the best time to go back there after years and years of finding a closure. As the plane descended through the billowing clouds, New York suddenly appeared below me. New York! A city that held my memories treasured. I gazed through the window and held my breath, asking myself whether or not I’m prepared to face the wave. Ahead of me the sky looked blue. It was as if it was told that I was coming. Looking at the bright, warm day, I had forgotten how much I loved the sight of green and the smell of fresh grass. It filled me with renewed hope and renewed determination. It had all happened so fast – my discovering the truth about his disease and facing the death of my dearest friend and regaining my strength to live on. The picturesque scenery took me back into the memories. The memories that felt as fresh as yesterday.
“Never give up on your faith, never look back to what has happened, for life is an experiment and live today like it’s your last day on earth,” I recalled him saying with a wisdom that surprised me. “Because part of life is learning, part of learning is loving and part of loving is letting go,” he said, a smile forming around his lips, but his eyes remaining sad.
I walked slowly to the park we used to spend out time together. It seemed to me I could hear his voice somewhere. I began to sing the song I composed softly.
I’ve seen the tears and the heartache, and I felt the pain
I’ve seen the hatred in so many lives, and lost in vain
And yet through this darkness there’s always a light that shines through
And takes me back home
Takes me back home
You gave me faith and you gave me a world to believe in
You gave me a love to believe in
And feeling this love I can rise up above
And be strong and be whole once again
I know that dreams we hold on to, can just fade away
And I know that words can be wasted with so much to say
And I when I feel helpless there’s always a hope that shines through
And makes me believe
Makes me believe
Life goes on
Can leave us with sorrow and pain
And I hold on
To all that you are
To all that we’ll be
And I can go on once again
Cause your love heals my soul once again
I can live and I can dream once again
Cause you made me believe.
Our friendship bond was so sturdy, so strong , I could even feel his presence and I knew right away that he was with me all along because ‘Friends grow separately, but they never grow apart’.
Intrigued by what he said, I will never ever forget him, my dearest best friend – Adam Andrews.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Knowing Who You Really Are
2011
Welcome :)
As much as i want 2011 to stay, i want 2012 to approach.
Maybe because i want to change.
Maybe because i want to find the reason of the emptiness of my heart.
Everything seemed perfect before.
But do i know what is going to happen tomorrow,
Is not in the hands of mine.
I could only plan, Allah decides.
Welcome :)
As much as i want 2011 to stay, i want 2012 to approach.
Maybe because i want to change.
Maybe because i want to find the reason of the emptiness of my heart.
Everything seemed perfect before.
But do i know what is going to happen tomorrow,
Is not in the hands of mine.
I could only plan, Allah decides.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Nuts
I think, everything is falling apart.
Locking all the doors behind us.
No one tries to consider or tolerate everybody.
Screaming, sighing, complaining, crying.
Where did the happiness go?
What happened to everybody?
Why us?
Questions left with blanks.
Is it because of the periodical change?
Or is it just the attitude?
Everyone needs consolation.
Everyone needs help.
Everyone needs to be praised once in a while.
Everyone needs to enjoy sometimes.
Everyone needs to be reminded all the time.
Everyone needs to lend a hand .
But
Everyone is ignoring everyone.
Everyone is mad at everyone.
Everyone does not give in to anyone.
Until when?
How long this is going to last?
Forever?
Why cant we be happy like others?
Why cant we be normal?
Why cant we go picnic at the beach?
Please,
Dont take our childhood away.
Dont let us grow mature faster than other kids are.
Dont take away our smiles and laughs.
Dont let us shed tears every night.
Dont let us stand alone.
Locking all the doors behind us.
No one tries to consider or tolerate everybody.
Screaming, sighing, complaining, crying.
Where did the happiness go?
What happened to everybody?
Why us?
Questions left with blanks.
Is it because of the periodical change?
Or is it just the attitude?
Everyone needs consolation.
Everyone needs help.
Everyone needs to be praised once in a while.
Everyone needs to enjoy sometimes.
Everyone needs to be reminded all the time.
Everyone needs to lend a hand .
But
Everyone is ignoring everyone.
Everyone is mad at everyone.
Everyone does not give in to anyone.
Until when?
How long this is going to last?
Forever?
Why cant we be happy like others?
Why cant we be normal?
Why cant we go picnic at the beach?
Please,
Dont take our childhood away.
Dont let us grow mature faster than other kids are.
Dont take away our smiles and laughs.
Dont let us shed tears every night.
Dont let us stand alone.
Distance does tear us apart
Most of these holidays i have been spending it wisely. Now, left less than five days to be cherished. Guess what? School is reopening. Great. SPM is waiting eagerly for us. And i do hope that we,0812 can perform well. Amin. Speaking of ending the holidays, i have started feeling the heaviness and the gloom of leaving alor setar. A place that has nothing but consists of everything. The only place i would love to be.
....................
Today didnt go well though. Planned of going for an outdoor activity, ended up on my bed. Yeah, right. So-called a beneficial activity. I have no idea whats wrong with me today. It seems that i am so not in the mood i guess. This is so not me. I really, badly want to spend some quality time with the ones i love. But there are a few obstacles that come with everything. This is life. It doesnt give you everything, but when it gives you something, its just not what you want. Part of life is learning, part of learning is loving, and part of loving is letting go. I have learnt how to love, but have i learnt how to let go? The big question unanswered yet. My life is full of wonders, questions, things to be explored and discovered, so many things to try and to feel. Will i be able to accomplish everything, or am i just gonna sit and do nothing? Seriously, i am actually kind of confused of what to chose, what to say, what to wear, who do i fit in, who goes along with me, and the surprise is, WHO I AM and WHO WILL I BE?
......................
It is so often that we youngsters hear the old people saying that, distance does not distant you away from the loved one. But fyi, in the nowadays technology, distance does bring you apart and distance does bring you closer to a person. Maybe its different now. You cant be married and live thousand miles away from your husband. It will fade the love away. I admit, sometimes, it makes you appreciate that person more, and you tend to miss and love them more. But the reality is, when you are far away from that person, then, another person comes into your life fill the emptiness and make you feel alive, who to blame?DISTANCE? Haha, think!
....................
Today didnt go well though. Planned of going for an outdoor activity, ended up on my bed. Yeah, right. So-called a beneficial activity. I have no idea whats wrong with me today. It seems that i am so not in the mood i guess. This is so not me. I really, badly want to spend some quality time with the ones i love. But there are a few obstacles that come with everything. This is life. It doesnt give you everything, but when it gives you something, its just not what you want. Part of life is learning, part of learning is loving, and part of loving is letting go. I have learnt how to love, but have i learnt how to let go? The big question unanswered yet. My life is full of wonders, questions, things to be explored and discovered, so many things to try and to feel. Will i be able to accomplish everything, or am i just gonna sit and do nothing? Seriously, i am actually kind of confused of what to chose, what to say, what to wear, who do i fit in, who goes along with me, and the surprise is, WHO I AM and WHO WILL I BE?
......................
It is so often that we youngsters hear the old people saying that, distance does not distant you away from the loved one. But fyi, in the nowadays technology, distance does bring you apart and distance does bring you closer to a person. Maybe its different now. You cant be married and live thousand miles away from your husband. It will fade the love away. I admit, sometimes, it makes you appreciate that person more, and you tend to miss and love them more. But the reality is, when you are far away from that person, then, another person comes into your life fill the emptiness and make you feel alive, who to blame?DISTANCE? Haha, think!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Glad, but stilL
I am so thankful that i met you. Truthfully, you are the best. Probably you forgot, or you were just too busy to bother, but your attention and your thoughts mattered a lot. Though, i am a bit disappointed that you didnt call back, but it was enough. It's your time to have fun. Go ahead. But one thing i would like you to know, is that
I really appreciate your presence, i really do. And i mean it :)
I really appreciate your presence, i really do. And i mean it :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wonders of The Random
During dinner time, i was shocked when abah mentioned biruni's name. Which is soooo random. Abah asked me, " awak suka biruni ke?" and i went, " tak ah, knp?" abah answered, "tkde la, abah tgok korang dua ni rpt." stunt, ibu Interrupted, "awak ni kecik kecik dh pndai nk berboyfriend," in an angry tone.mmmm sebuah perkenalan yg tidak dijangka "tak lahhhh, ktorg kwn baik je kot. Knp tibatiba abah tnya bnda ni?" and abah was like, "takde la, bknnya apa pun, abah tau aby rasa dia bestfriend aby, tp aby tautak prasaan dia dkt aby? " i was still sane, so i answered rationally, " ya allah, ktorg kwn baik je, mcm nadia dgn muna, tkde apa pun. Impossible kot dia nk suka aby," abah seemed to believe me, but he did add, " abah tau, dia pun bdk baik, tp ni skrg, in future nnti who knows klu korang in love?" i was getting irritated by what abah said. "sumpah ktorg tkde apaapa." abah was probably satisfied with what i told him, "mm if then, thats okaylah, tp berhati hati, tkut nnti awk suka dia, dia tk suka awk, awk yg skit hati." totally annoyed with what he said, " yeee abah."
.............five mins aftr that...........
"aby, aby nk tau tk knp abah ckp mcm tu tadi?" ayang started out the conversation. "apasal?" i was wondering whts up with everybody. "abah tkut nnti jd apa apa kt aby" ayang tried to convince me. I was confused, " jadi apa? Apa mksud ayang?" . Ayang replied, "apa apa la. Mcm fitnah ke, tk pun klu aby baik ngan dia, nnti one day dia skitkan hati aby, aby jugak yg nangis. Ayang nk ckp secara general, which applies to smua kwnkwn aby, trmasuk nadia ngan muna. Aby pun tau kan apa rasa bestfriend tngglkan aby." What ayang said was true, plus, she was not talking craps. She knew what is actually btwn me and biruni. "dr aby pnya perspektif, mmg ye aby ckp dia bestfriend aby, tp org lain yg tk kenal korang? " ayang was warning. Pissed off, i told her, " apa apa ah, mls nk kisah. Aby dh ckp kan, aby ngan dia bestfriend, tkde apa apa". Ayang tried to cool me off, "ayang tau, abah pun tau, tp aby kahwin dgn biruni bknlah satu fantasi, bnda tu blh jd realiti aby," . Now, i was absolutely angry. "dah la, drop this subject, aby tknk ckp dh. And, tipu ah aby kahwin dgn biruni." . " ayang kenal aby dgn biruni, ayang pun tau korang best friend, tp sbb dia LELAKI, sbb tu mungkin org lain pdg lain. Okay? Aby jgn la mrh, ayang suka je biruni tu. Ayang tk kesah pun pegi ambik dia hari hari, tp ayang tkmau adik ayang satu hari nnti sakit hati. "
........ ..and the conversation ended...........
I wonder, apa perspektif org lain? Kenapa jantina menjadi persoalan nk jd best friend? Btul ke one day nnti aby blh tersuka biruni? Kahwin dgn biruni bknlah fantasi? Bestfriend tngglkan kita ? Apa mksud ayang, apa apa blh jd? Fitnah? Yeah. Great. Now my head is full with questions tht cant be answered. Knp abah concern? Abah nmpk smthg yg aby tk nmpk ke? Look, you guys are scaring me. Physco.ish, skrg i am afraid of losing my bestfriends. Urgh, serabut Serabut.
Ps, ibu dh knl biruni, tp apa perspektif ibu pulak?
.............five mins aftr that...........
"aby, aby nk tau tk knp abah ckp mcm tu tadi?" ayang started out the conversation. "apasal?" i was wondering whts up with everybody. "abah tkut nnti jd apa apa kt aby" ayang tried to convince me. I was confused, " jadi apa? Apa mksud ayang?" . Ayang replied, "apa apa la. Mcm fitnah ke, tk pun klu aby baik ngan dia, nnti one day dia skitkan hati aby, aby jugak yg nangis. Ayang nk ckp secara general, which applies to smua kwnkwn aby, trmasuk nadia ngan muna. Aby pun tau kan apa rasa bestfriend tngglkan aby." What ayang said was true, plus, she was not talking craps. She knew what is actually btwn me and biruni. "dr aby pnya perspektif, mmg ye aby ckp dia bestfriend aby, tp org lain yg tk kenal korang? " ayang was warning. Pissed off, i told her, " apa apa ah, mls nk kisah. Aby dh ckp kan, aby ngan dia bestfriend, tkde apa apa". Ayang tried to cool me off, "ayang tau, abah pun tau, tp aby kahwin dgn biruni bknlah satu fantasi, bnda tu blh jd realiti aby," . Now, i was absolutely angry. "dah la, drop this subject, aby tknk ckp dh. And, tipu ah aby kahwin dgn biruni." . " ayang kenal aby dgn biruni, ayang pun tau korang best friend, tp sbb dia LELAKI, sbb tu mungkin org lain pdg lain. Okay? Aby jgn la mrh, ayang suka je biruni tu. Ayang tk kesah pun pegi ambik dia hari hari, tp ayang tkmau adik ayang satu hari nnti sakit hati. "
........ ..and the conversation ended...........
I wonder, apa perspektif org lain? Kenapa jantina menjadi persoalan nk jd best friend? Btul ke one day nnti aby blh tersuka biruni? Kahwin dgn biruni bknlah fantasi? Bestfriend tngglkan kita ? Apa mksud ayang, apa apa blh jd? Fitnah? Yeah. Great. Now my head is full with questions tht cant be answered. Knp abah concern? Abah nmpk smthg yg aby tk nmpk ke? Look, you guys are scaring me. Physco.ish, skrg i am afraid of losing my bestfriends. Urgh, serabut Serabut.
Ps, ibu dh knl biruni, tp apa perspektif ibu pulak?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A LIttle Smile On Your Face
You have always had the sweetest smile on earth. The welcoming heart, the warm eyes and nice hugs and kisses. Now, all GONE. All left was just the fierce eyebrows. We dont ask for anything more than just a smile, laugh and happiness. You used to spend time with me by going for a swim. Now everything that i do doesnt fit what you like. Every single thing with flaws. Everyday with tears holding back not to drop. May i ask why? Is it because of the disease or is it because of it is suppose to happen to every woman in the world? I would love to live everyday without the fear of you getting angry or mad at us. I would love to live everyday like other teenagers. I understand you, your way. But sometimes, all i need is a little praise here and there and also advices. What am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? Where did SHE go? Yeah, me with all my jokes and laughs. But why can't you smile just a little bit? Definitely will brighten your face. I really, badly missed you so much. Now i know how important it is to cherish every second you have with the loved ones. Damn it, i really miss you. Why are you shouting shrieking and so on? Are you afraid of not giving us enough advices and teaching us to be a human? You did very well in shaping us into someone in the world. You are the greatest and toughest person ive ever met. You gave me the strength to every single thing i do. Maybe, it is irreversable.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Rooshil Shah
HAHAHAHAHA. thrill thrill thrill. he's the delegate of palestine fromBMUN. btw, BMUN was awesome! And he is sooooooooo like, OMG. Haha, i was enchanted to meet you, Rooshil Shah <3
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
FRIENDS.
can anyone tell me what is the meaning of the word "friends"?
- Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer.
- A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out
- The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had.
- A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked.
- Friends are kisses blown to us by angels.
can anyone see how beautiful friendships are suppose to be?
can anyone tell me why am i feeling all alone and pain?
can anyone feel what i am feeling right now?
oooo, bila nak mntk tlg, snyum bkn main manis, tatacara bkn main lembut, pjuk bkn main baik. in short, perfect gila. tp bila senang, jln tk pndg kiri kanan, bila org ckp tk pndg muka. bkn tk ikhlas nk mnolong, tk kesah. tp, jgn tk ikhlas kwn dgn kita.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Khairiyah Ezzah Kamarudin
The person is successful when he has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children, who has filled his niche and accomplished his task, who leaves the world better than he found it, who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it, who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.
ALL THE BEST !
ps: i love you :)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
moonlight.
this is what we call at peak. homesick, exam, problems, tasks. this is just the beginning. i am right now pretty homesick since ibu and abah hasnt come to visit me for more than a month :( second, exam is just around the corner, a lot to cover, a lot to study, crushing my brain. hey iffah, stop creating a problem from yourself and involving me and umairah. not brilliant. seeking for death, in short. umairah and i have lots and lots of things to think about and you're fooling around, joking which is sooo outrageous. and umairah, i pray for you to stay. it's a waste and a loss to go out of this school. the certificate is highly valuable. and you got a bright future. pray hard and Allah will definitely help you. be strong, FRIEND :D and keep smiling. for those who never listened to me, just be prepared for the consequences and circumstances coming. i warned and cautioned all of you. now ive got to struggle hard for 5PINTAR :) i love you ALLAH IBU AND ABAH.
ya Allah, please help me go through all of this. i really need Your strength to carry on. i begged You to show me the light and bring me back to where i belong. THE TRUE ROAD. let me stay away from sins and guide me my way. let me be the one who listens to You and stay away from all Your prohibition. truthfully, i really really want to be close to You and feel Your love. taste the happiness being loved by You. AMIN.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
i did this whole-heartedly :)
- playing piano
- baking
- designing
this is the latest creation :) worn by FARAH MAWADDAH ABDUL KARIM. well, surprisingly, she got the "BEST DRESS" award. unexpectedly.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
tu sais quoi, i love designing!
i think this is what i love to do. WHOLE HEARTEDLY . i swear. i've designed a lot of clothes, but most of them are not sewed. my first master piece was during the sports day. IMPRESSIVELY, using telekung ;) now, they are asking for my help to make a saree. COOL. im so into it. :DDD
AZURA AZIZ.
be ready :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
c'etais tres drole.
yeap. we had gone crazy. extremely crazy. haha, since delf B1 is tomorrow, and we're not that yet prepared, we had gone haywire. HOHOHOHOHO.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
that's what we got
i am all back up and away. been in rough situation for almost a month and i just figured out that it wasn't about other people. it was about myself. during the period of hardship, i guess i haven't been holding onto my principles.I realized that the problem is you, and others are just mediums for god to help you. these are my principals and beliefs.
1. Friends are someone who would be there for you, anytime, anywhere, any situation, willing to take risks for you BUT never hope something in return.
2. If you are a good friend, you should be able to adapt with your friends and not making your friends try to adapt with you.
3. Never blame others, blame yourself. Ask yourself, what did you do that this thing happened?
4. It's not about 'are they good enough to be a friend?', it's about 'am i good enough to be a friend?'.
trust me, been there, done that.
i don't mind if one day, those who used to abandon me come to me asking for help, i will never hesitate to lend my hand. because it's not about hoping something in return, it's all about giving something for a betterment of someone's life.
and if what you're doing right now is for your betterment of your life, go ahead. it's my sacrifice for you :) as long as i am able, i'll be there for you, forever and always. for tomorrow i am never sure if i am alive.
so, smile, laugh, and live your life to the fullest!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
fitnah
Allah Ta’ala berfirman:
“Dan orang-orang yang menahan marahnya serta memaafkan kepada orang banyak dan Allah itu mencintai orang-orang yang berbuat kebaikan.” (ali-lmran: 134)
Allah Ta’ala berfirman pula:
“Berilah pengampunan, perintahlah kebaikan dan janganlah menghiraukan kepada orang-orang bodoh.” (al-A’raf: 199)
Allah Ta’ala berfirman lagi:
“Dan tidaklah sama kebaikan dan kejahatan itu.Tolaklah kejahatan itu dengan cara yang sebaik-baiknya, sehingga orang yang bermusuhan antara engkau dengan ia akan menjadi teman yang amat setia. Perbuatan sedemikian itu tidak akan diberikan kepada siapapun, selain dari orang-orang yang berhati sabar dan tidak pula diberikan melainkan kepada orang yang mempunyai keberuntungan besar.”
(Fushshilat: 34-35)
Allah Ta’ala juga berfirman:
“Dan nescayalah orang yang berhati sabar dan suka memaafkan, sesungguhnya bal yang sedemikian itu adalah termasuk pekerjaan-pekerjaan yang dilakukan dengan keteguhan hati.” (as-Syura: 43)
630. Dari Ibnu Abbas radhiallahu ‘anhuma, katanya: “Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda kepada Asyaj Abdul Qais: “Sesungguhnya dalam dirimu itu ada dua macam perkara yang dicintai oleh Allah, iaitu sabar dan perlahan-lahan – dalam tindakan.” (Riwayat Muslim)
631. Dari Aisyah radhiallahu ‘anha, katanya: “Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda:
“Sesungguhnya Allah itu Maha Lemah-lembut dan mencintai sikap yang lemah-lembut dalam segala perkara.” (Muttafaq ‘alaih)
632. Dari Aisyah radhiallahu ‘anha pula bahawasanya Nabi s.a.w. bersabda:
“Sesungguhnya Allah itu Maha Lemah-lembut dan mencintai sikap lemah-lembut. Allah memberikan sesuatu dengan jalan lemah-lembut, yang tidak dapat diberikan jika dicari dengan cara kekerasan, juga sesuatu yang tidak dapat diberikan selain dengan jalan lemah-lembut itu.” (Riwayat Muslim)
633. Dari Aisyah radhiallahu ‘anha pula bahawasanya Nabi s.a.w. bersabda:
“Sesungguhnya sikap lemah-lembut itu tidak menetap dalam sesuatu perkara, melainkan ia makin memperindah hiasan baginya dan tidak dicabut dari sesuatu perkara, melainkan membuat cela padanya.” (Riwayat Muslim)
634, Dari Abu Hurairah r.a., katanya: “Ada seorang A’rab -orang Arab dari daerah pedalaman – kencing dalam masjid, lalu berdirilah orang banyak padanya dengan maksud hendak memberikan tindakan padanya. Kemudian Nabi s.a.w. bersabda: “Biarkanlah orang itu dan di atas kencingnya itu siramkan saja setimba penuh air atau segayung yang berisi air. Kerana sesungguhnya saja engkau semua itu dibangkitkan untuk memberikan kemudahan dan bukannya engkau semua itu dibangkitkan untuk memberikan kesukaran.” (Riwayat Bukhari)
Assajlu dengan fathahnya sin muhmalah dan sukunnya jim, ertinya ialah timba yang penuh berisi air, demikian pula ertinya kata adzdzanub.
635. Dari Anas r.a. dari Nabi s.a.w., sabdanya: “Berikanlah kemudahan dan jangan mempersukarkan. Berilah kegembiraan dan jangan menyebabkan orang lari.” (Muttafaq ‘alaih)
636. Dari Jarir bin Abdullah r.a., katanya: “Saya mendengar Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda:
“Barangsiapa yang tidak dikurniai sifat lemah-lembut, maka ia tidak dikurnia segala macam kebaikan.” (Riwayat Muslim)
637. Dari Abu Hurairah r.a. bahawasanya ada seorang lelaki yang berkata kepada Nabi s.a.w.: “Berikanlah wasiat padaku!” Nabi s.a.w. menjawab: “Janganlah engkau marah.” Orang itu mengulang-ulangi lagi permintaan wasiatnya sampai beberapa kali, tetapi beliau s.a.w. tetap menjawab: “Janganlah engkau marah.” (Riwayat Muslim)
638. Dari Abu Ya’la, iaitu Syaddad bin Aus r.a. dari Rasulullah s.a.w., sabdanya:
“Sesungguhnya Allah itu menetapkan untuk berbuat kebaikan dalam segala hal. Maka jikalau engkau semua membunuh, maka berlaku baiklah dalam membunuh itu dan jikalau engkau semua menyembelih, maka berlaku baguslah dalam menyembelih itu. Hendaklah seseorang dari engkau semua itu mempertajamkan pisaunya serta memberi kelonggaran kepada apa yang disembelihnya itu,” seperti mempercepat jalannya pisau, tidak dikuliti sebelum benar-benar dingin, memberi minum sebelum disembelih dan Iain-lain. (Riwayat Muslim)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
apa ni ummi? apa?
kucing**
hey, my respected dorm leader.
i think i like him.
and hey buddy, don't tell him yeah.only me and you who knew this..
tink2*
i like the way u treat people..well, the most important thing is why u don't ask my number face to face?that is one more thing that i like about you. but, it is quite silly when i text u.haha.jgn marah.
i'm just in this way. and i don't know why, i don't want to stalk you. but it happened suddenly.
ops.xsengaja nk stalk lahh...okay bye 709B.
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