A World To Believe In

“Friends grow separately, but they never grow apart”

I couldn’t recall much of what had happened when I was a little kid. All I could remember was, I had a best friend; he was a kid I met at the kindergarten I attended. We were inseparable but since I moved to New York, we never see each other again.

I was beginning to forget him spasmodically as I grew up. I have made lots and lots of new friends, and experienced new things that it had never crossed my mind I would meet him again.

Seasons came and left, and it was the 15th spring I had experienced since I moved to New York. Scent of roses, marigolds and pansies filled the air. The morning dawned bright and gay. It was as if a promise of wonderful happening. The perfumed air, and warm sunlight made me feel as if I were walking on air. Above me, milk-white, tiny clouds looked like little puffs of whip cream dripped over a frosting of deep blue sky. I sat on one of the wooden benches, when a familiar, hoarse voice blew my thoughts away.

“Must be thinking about the past, huh?” I looked up. My breath caught me up. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude,” he said, laughing. “Um, it’s not an intrusion, I was just… just startled,” I sputtered. It was him. Really, it was him! He seemed so different to me, so calm and so much stronger. I had always felt so much like his sister. Now his quiet maturity made me feel even more distant. Without realizing, I was beaming from ear to ear.

It was like fate had brought us back and put everything in its perfect order. We went to have some drinks and we talked and talked until we were dropped dead tried. Seeing him again after almost 15 years, it was obvious I could hardly able to contain my excitement. He told me about his objective coming here. He was attending one of the famous law schools in New York City and wanted to find me here. Which meant only one thing, he was near to where I was attending and we would spend years together again like old times.

I was becoming a professional pianist in Bernhardt School of Performing Arts – fulfilling my most treasured dream. Since he had arrived in New York, we had spent so much time together that we didn’t realize that time had flown so fast. On my 21st birthday, he suggested we celebrate it together. I decided to dress to the nines. So, I wore a floating chiffon baby blue dress, and on my feet were silver pump shoes. I brushed my hair long and hard till it shone and put on tiny pearl earrings.
He brought me to a famous restaurant – Antonio’s on York and Twenty-eight. Although the dinners cost as much as a week’s food bill, he was still persistent on spending it for my birthday. The restaurant was as fancy as it looked and the food was as extraordinary as the price. When it came to the dessert, he gave me a silver wrapped box tied with blue ribbons. When I unwrapped, my heart skipped a beat. It was a music box! And to my surprise, the music played in it was a song that I composed, entitled “A World To Believe In”. Boy, I was thrilled to bits. Days ahead couldn’t be more exciting when I was to spend my whole summer with him and my other friends too. Truth to be told, I wouldn’t ask more than spending my holidays with my best friend. We were so close that our bond was unbreakable.

My holidays were spent on beneficial activities. Everyday I woke up with a spirit and energy that I myself never expected it. It was like we were brought back to the past – little kids jumping in joy, smiling vibrantly, faces gleamed as bright as the sun, and our eyes full of excitement. There was certainly a lot of difference in both of us physically and mentally compared to 15 years ago, but nothing was on our way in being fresh and energetic like never before.

Everyday went beautifully and full of joy, until one day; all of a sudden it was like he disappeared. For more than a week he didn’t return my calls, or replied my text messages, I was going insane. He even had his phone switched off, which is so unusual. I began to feel uneasy and worried. I was pacing back and forth in my apartment, wishing he would be standing and knocking at my door and telling me everything was fine. But the clock kept ticking and not even the slightest thing had differed. The first thing in the morning on the following day, I got a call from him, asking whether I could meet him at the park. Of course, I agreed without any restraint or hesitant.

I saw him sitting on the bench wearing a white Polo t-shirt and a pair of soft-grey slacks. It was his usual attire but I thought he looked handsome as simple as that. I went to sit beside him. Oh, god knew how I tried to keep the tears from breaking free of my lids. He stared at my face so intently; my heart began to beat wildly. Keeping to myself, I wondered “What actually happened?”. I wanted so badly to ask him but I mustered all my patience and waited for him to say something. I found myself looking at him and unable to pull my gaze away. Then that moment passed and he looked up at the blue sky. I wanted him to say something, I wanted to shake the words out of him, and I wanted him to know that I was there for him, but I did want to give him some space to breathe.

For almost 20 minutes both of us didn’t utter a single word. But it was like could hear the unspoken misery that was running in his mind. He got up from the bench and walked slowly towards the lake. I trailed behind him wondering, and growing more tensed. Then he looked at me with those beady eyes and took a deep breath, his broad shoulders rising and falling, “There’s something important I need to tell you,” “Go on, I am listening,” I said as I was dying of curiosity. “Every second I spent with you, never did I regret or hate. Thank you for being supportive in all my decisions, giving me advices, for all the times you stood by me, for all the awesome memories held in time, for all the courage that brought me here, today. How I want you to know that your presence has brought me into the world of happiness and joy. Just so you know, life is meaningless without a friend like you, “he smiled and that was the sweetest smile I had encountered in my whole life. “Thank you for being truthful and honest, but why all of a sudden?” the lingering question kept my mind working. “I just thought you should be given some appreciation and you deserve to be praised,” he complimented. I giggled but did he know that I knew, behind those hazel-brown eyes, there was something else that he tried to hide, something bothering and worrying. I was not going to spoil the precious moment, so I didn’t ask a lot.

We both didn’t bring up the matter after the incident at the park. I just thought that if he was ready to tell me, than only I would ask. Let bygones be bygones. Soon, he graduated and was awarded as the Best Student of that particular year. To celebrate his wonderful success, I threw a small party and invited our close friends to attend that evening feast. Just a day before the celebration, I had given him a list of groceries to buy for the dinner I was going to prepare. When I got back from my piano lesson, he had everything spread out over the kitchen table. “It’s all here,” he said, gesturing at the cans and boxes, the turkey and produce. “Just as you requested,” he said proudly. “Great. I’m going to make apple and pumpkin pies for the appetizer,” I explained and took off my white winter coat quickly and began to put on the apron. After mixing the batter and putting it inside the oven, I prepared a turkey stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, fresh peas, a homemade bread, cranberry sauce as well as some caramel ice-cream. The guests had arrived just in time when everything had been done.

He was busy greeting and talking to our friends when I heard his phone ringed. I thought of giving it to him, but he was surrounded with the guests and looking at him laughing and appeased, I decided to answer the phone for him.

“Hello, this is from New York Hospital, we would like to check whether you have taken your medicine regularly,” a soft voice on the other side of the phone.

“New York Hospital? Check? Medicine?” I asked sharply. My eyes narrowed and my smile evaporated.

“I’m sorry, who is this?” The caller asked politely.

“Umm, will you tell me what exactly is going on??” Ignoring the question, I begged,
demanding for an explanation.

“Well, he was diagnosed with stage four of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. There was nothing can be done, but the medicine supplied was to slow down the multiplication of cell cancer. He requested to not be charged in ward because he said he would like to spend his last days with his best friend, so in exchange he agreed that the hospital would call him every week to check on him,” the voice explained calmly.

Thunderstruck, I felt my legs soften, and I crumbled to the floor, cradling the phone. I began to sob, cried and buried my face in my hands. My tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks and soon I couldn’t see. The world before me was a watery blur. The chattering crowd suddenly became silent, and he raced to help me to my feet. “What’s wrong Diyana, what’s wrong?” he looked at me, and then at the phone screen. “Oh Diyana, don’t tell me that…” he brushed his hands through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why?!” I wailed, wiping at my tears. Without saying anything he helped me to my bed. I wanted to ask tons of questions, but I was too distraught and dizzy, I fell on my bed.

In the morning, I woke up feeling dizzy, tired and confused. Had I dreamt it? The thing that reassured me I wasn’t dreaming when I saw a note on the kitchen table, written by him. He requested to meet him at our usual hang out place, the Lillian’s Luncheonette. I wore my pink sweater and slipped into my casual jeans. I saw him at the corner of the luncheonette. I walked to him, his face looked so glum. He looked up to me, and tried to smile but I know it was made up to ease my mind. I ordered cappuccino with cinnamon while he had caramel coffee with whipped cream.

He broke the silence, “I’m sorry. Sorry for not telling you earlier,” he confessed in a quiet somber tone. For the longest time, I didn’t say a word. After he straightened out everything, he looked much better. He told me the reason he kept the matter to himself, “I didn’t want you to worry about me, and honestly I want to live on as normal as a person could be. You have the rights to be mad at me, go on, but please, don’t neglect and ignore me. Losing you would be the worst thing that could happen. So I beg you to forgive me and let my last days to be something I won’t regret,” he said, his eyes watering, begging me to understand. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. My heart softened and I said, “How can I be mad at you when the best part of me is always you? You don’t have to say you’re sorry for there was no mistake done. I promise you, we will cherish and spend whatever time left for both of us. Let’s make it worth and walk each day with pride and joy,” I said and he nodded.

Everyday went as thrilling as it could be. It was hard for me though, to see him laughing and smiling as I know I will lose him one day. I prayed days and night that time would slow down and give us more time before he would be gone. We did everything that we wanted to do and sadly, I was the one to witness him weakening from day to day. Sometimes, he couldn’t even get up from his bed but desperation give him needed strength. His will power had given me spark to live my life to the fullest. Just having to look at his face made me feel I was able to do anything. And now, like the rainbow after the rain, like the first rays of sunlight coming through a break in the clouds, he had come to me and brought me into the light.

I stayed by his side, even until the moment where he could not eat on his own and needed the help of someone to get to his feet.

One warm morning, as I was preparing breakfast, I heard him calling for me. I rushed into his room and saw him lying weakly on the bed. It tore my heart to look at him like that. His lips curved into a smile and I asked him what the matter was. At first he just shook his head so I spun around to head back to the kitchen. Before I could take a step further, he grabbed my wrist, “Stay. Don’t go,” he murmured. “I am not going anywhere. I’m just going to bring you breakfast and your medicine here, okay? So you can be strong and healthy,” I said calmly, swallowing my tears down my throat. He let go off my wrist and I got back to whatever I was doing.

A few minutes later, I returned back to his room with a tray of hot cereal and his medicine. It seemed that he had fallen asleep. I woke him up. I guessed he had fallen into deep sleep. I shook him gently. No response. When I searched for his pulse, then I realized he was gone. Gone. Forever. The moment when I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, I felt numb. My world came crashing down and broke into pieces. I had lost my best friend who had taught me what life means.

Two years have gone by since I decided to leave New York. I decided it was the best time to go back there after years and years of finding a closure. As the plane descended through the billowing clouds, New York suddenly appeared below me. New York! A city that held my memories treasured. I gazed through the window and held my breath, asking myself whether or not I’m prepared to face the wave. Ahead of me the sky looked blue. It was as if it was told that I was coming. Looking at the bright, warm day, I had forgotten how much I loved the sight of green and the smell of fresh grass. It filled me with renewed hope and renewed determination. It had all happened so fast – my discovering the truth about his disease and facing the death of my dearest friend and regaining my strength to live on. The picturesque scenery took me back into the memories. The memories that felt as fresh as yesterday.

“Never give up on your faith, never look back to what has happened, for life is an experiment and live today like it’s your last day on earth,” I recalled him saying with a wisdom that surprised me. “Because part of life is learning, part of learning is loving and part of loving is letting go,” he said, a smile forming around his lips, but his eyes remaining sad.
I walked slowly to the park we used to spend out time together. It seemed to me I could hear his voice somewhere. I began to sing the song I composed softly.

I’ve seen the tears and the heartache, and I felt the pain
I’ve seen the hatred in so many lives, and lost in vain
And yet through this darkness there’s always a light that shines through
And takes me back home
Takes me back home
You gave me faith and you gave me a world to believe in
You gave me a love to believe in
And feeling this love I can rise up above
And be strong and be whole once again
I know that dreams we hold on to, can just fade away
And I know that words can be wasted with so much to say
And I when I feel helpless there’s always a hope that shines through
And makes me believe
Makes me believe
Life goes on
Can leave us with sorrow and pain
And I hold on
To all that you are
To all that we’ll be
And I can go on once again
Cause your love heals my soul once again
I can live and I can dream once again
Cause you made me believe.

Our friendship bond was so sturdy, so strong , I could even feel his presence and I knew right away that he was with me all along because ‘Friends grow separately, but they never grow apart’.

Intrigued by what he said, I will never ever forget him, my dearest best friend – Adam Andrews.